Honesty

What do you do when the world comes crashing down around you?

So far, 2015 has taken away and broken everything around me to the point where I've got nothing left to give. I am tired, hurt, beaten down and broke in more ways than one.

"We accept the love we think we deserve", or so I've been told in a movie. I feel I deserve so much more, so why do I continue to accept something less? Maybe it's a habit that can't be broken overnight. Maybe it's learning that relationships can come wrapped in a beautiful package, but still contain a bomb inside. Or maybe I'm just addicted to the pain, because I saw this brick wall coming from a mile away and I still ran headfirst into it anyway.

"What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? ... Because it feels so good when I stop." - Grey's Anatomy

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy". When recovering from deep seeded trauma, relationships can be tricky. Trusting someone, feeling safe around someone can be such a precious gift that you cling too because it's such a rare jem. But when you've realized that just because you feel safe around someone, it doesn't mean you really are, that deep seeded trauma rips open again until you're left gutted on the bathroom floor. One of the biggest steps for a survivor is to open up and trust. Once they take that step, to be proven they were wrong to trust that person, it can fling you back into the world where no one and no where is safe. Buried down feelings bubbles to the surface again and it's all you can do to catch your breath. Self-blame fights its way into your head, "how stupid can you be to let this happen again", "you don't deserve anything better", "this is all your fault" until you are literally pinned to the floor and those words are wrapped around your neck.

The light of morning comes beating in, and it's time to pretend life is no different.

And so I will try to pick myself up off this bathroom floor and collect the shattered peices of me so I can glue them back together once again. Then I will begin to re-stack those bricks around me to form a wall so tall not even you could enter my heart again.

"I told her once I wasn't good at anything.

She told me survival is a talent." - Susanna Kaysen