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It's April 1st, 2015, which means it's the first day of Sexual Assault Awareness Month! I've been thinking a lot lately about those who have been part of my journey. I've been thinking back on those relationships and what was helpful to me and what was hurtful to my recovery.
From these reflections, I have put together some of the top pieces of advise I can give anyone who loves a survivor:
One of the most important things you can say to a survivor is "I believe you and what happened to you is not your fault" and say it over and over and over again. A survivor often hears blame, disbelief and shame far more than they hear support, care and belief. The more times a survivor hears the words "I believe you and it's not your fault", the less blame and shame they carry around on their backs.
Listen. Really listen to what they have to say without judgement. Let them talk, give them silence if they need it, allow a space to cry, scream or release any emotion they may be keeping inside. Vulnerability is hard for anyone to experience, for a survivor it can almost seem impossible. So give them time to open and give them your full attention when they do.
Never say to a survivor "I know how you feel" or "I know what you are going though". Whether you are a fellow survivor or not, everyone's story is unique and different. You can never truly know how they are feeling or know the experiences they have been though.
Validate their feelings. You may not understand the many triggers and mood changes of a survivor, their self-esteem or the raging internal war of self-blame they battle, but never express that they are bad for feeling and experiencing these things. They may go from being happy and having the most incredible time to barely even being able to breath with the overwhelming weight of painful emotions brought on from a trigger. Never make them feel guilty for having these emotions because you have no idea what they are battling inside. If they are upset, allow them to be upset, allow them to feel whatever they are feeling without making them feel bad or guilty for it. We are doing the best we can and we often fear people will leave us if we are not good enough or happy enough. We may not always be loveable or fun to be around. Love us anyway, choose to show up anyway. It is in our most unlovable times that we often need the most love.
Never pressure a survivor to tell more of their story then they are able or willing to in that moment. To ask nonjudgemental and non-blaming questions is fine, but allow them to decline answering any or all questions if they do not want to devulge that piece of information. It is their story to tell and they are the only one who gets to decide how and when they will share it.
Do NOT pressure a survivor to report their assault to the police. That survivor is doing the best they can at any given moment, they known themselves better than anyone else and they know what is right for them. If they choose to not report what happened to them, they should have the right to make that choice without judgement from anyone else. During one of the first times I disclosed my story, I had that person try to guilt me into reporting what happened to me by saying "but what if they are hurting others". Without knowing, that person planted a deep and vicious seed of blame in my heart that I still am at war with to this day. Whether a survivor chooses to report or not, they are absolutely and unequivocally not to blame for the choices of another person.
"You know what I've seen is that people who have gone through unfair horrific expeiriences is that they have this will, and when they get support, a chance, they can not only survive, they can thrive." - Det. Olivia Benson; Law & Order SVU
If you have a piece of advise that I did not touch upon in my post, please feel free write about them in the comments section below.