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There has been a common feeling that has come up for me in the last few weeks.
It's a feeling I know very well, the feeling of being undeserving of the gifts life is offering. It is a feeling rooted from trauma, of feeling dirty and worthless. It's a feeling that grasps you and pins you down, squeezing every ounce of enjoyment out of the once beautiful gift.
The feeling of being undeserving has come up in many different aspects of my life within the last few weeks. It's like a domino effect, once that feeling wraps its claws around something, you begin to question a lot of other areas of your life.
I have been blessed to be nominated for the YWCA Women of Distinction Awards this year, one of the most prestigious awards for women in Canada. After being nominated, I was on such a high, I was excited and honored and felt incredibly blessed. It didn't take long for the grip of that undeserving feeling to come charging to the surface though. I started sifting through the names of fellow nominee's and I felt the guilt start to rise. Guilt is a side effect that often comes along with this undeserving feeling. The usual internal monologue starts to play, "you don't measure up to these women, you don't belong among them".
Then I look at other prominent areas of my life right now. Love is something I have opened myself up to more than I ever have. With current situations and complications I am experiencing, my already heightened feeling of being undeserving of love is busting at the seams. Cue that internal monologue again, "who could ever love someone like you".
The feeling of being undeserving has ripped pieces of my life apart, it has left me broken and has often pulled me back from experiencing some of the most beautiful gifts life has to offer.
The feeling of being undeserving is an extremely common feeling among many, however, when your life has been touched with trauma, that feeling takes root in every piece of your being. It left me feeling undeserving of being alive for years.
I've fought for many years to win this battle over this damaging feeling, so I can't deny how far I've come. But sometimes, just sometimes, the feeling wins a round.
Tonight I feel defeated.
But tomorrow is another day where I can pick my sword back up and go back to battle.
The war is not over yet.